Digging in my heels

Letter #1: I'm relaxed, I'm rested. So why can't I be creatively productive?

This is On the Road, a *potentially* weekly newsletter about quitting the machine, embarking on solo travel, and finding new perspectives.

I haven’t been creatively productive at all since quitting my job just over a month ago. I’ve been sleeping nearly 11 hours a night and distracting myself with household chores during the day. I’ve been in Minnesota for the past 2 weeks, spending time with family and seeing old college friends. I haven’t kept up the healthy routine I promised myself I would. I haven’t been reading books, journaling, abstaining from my niece & nephew’s snacks, and it’s too damn cold to run outside. The general consensus my sister-in-law helped me realize?

“You are totally burnt out.”

I was telling my team from Approachable Design (which is the one creatively productive commitment I HAVE stuck with in the past month) that I was digging in my heels and resisting any work that required me to be inventive. I began to shed tears as Hilary reminded me that for the past 10 years there was so much pressure for me to produce and make money in New York City…that I don’t need to put any pressure on being a writer or turning this time of rest into something creatively worthwhile.

I immediately felt relieved by her encouragement.

On Sunday, I took Joclyn’s yoga class at Willow Soul Yoga in Otsego, MN. While holding a high lunge stance, we watched dogs running along the Mississippi River outside the window. She’s a very spiritual teacher, and I fought tears of emotional release from the moment I stepped through the door and saw her new studio. Typically, during my yoga practice, I set the intention of letting go. Let go of my demanding job, of my toxic boss, of the self criticism of my body. This time all I could think was…WHOA. I am already relaxed and I can’t find anything I need to let go of.

I get to just be present.

I quit my job of nearly 10 years in New York City on November 11, 2022. I broke the lease on my Manhattan apartment, sold just about everything I owned, and promised friends and family I’d spend more than just 2 days with them a couple times a year (which is all the time that my corporate job would allow for). I’ll be on the road for the next year, visiting all the places I promised myself I’d see. Staying longer than expected, and saying yes to whatever someone suggests I do. I was a hamster on the wheel of work, and I’ve known for the past 5 years I needed to get out—but, all of a sudden, the plan materialized much faster than I thought it would. I listed my apartment on Craigslist on September 2, 2022 and my mind was made up.

No turning back now.

While spending 10 days in Philadelphia with my dear friends, Hilary & Andrei, over many nights of cooking dinner and having wine together, Hilary helped me realize I was “taking myself out of the machine”. I was no longer a cog in the endless plan to produce millions of consumer goods—which will eventually end up in landfills—and hundreds of millions of dollars that I, personally, will never see. The amount of work our teams gave was never enough. And now I have time to sit back and look at it from the outside—no wonder I’m sleeping 11 hours a night.

I’m okay with using this time to rest, reflect, and reject anything remotely feeling like “work”.

In the middle of the night, 4AM on December 13th, 2022, I woke up and suddenly realized I knew what I wanted my first post to sound like. I decided to get up and write it, went for a run outside in the brisk Minnesota morning with my brother, made a healthy breakfast, and I’ll take a nap later. Guess what? I don’t have to set alarms anymore.

I’ve got all the time in the world.

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