Hanoi, Vietnam
Letter #21: What to expect when you're expecting...a trip to Vietnam. And then I go off on a tangent about existential questioning.
3/6/23
I wasn’t sure what to expect in Vietnam. I’m being hosted by a colleague in Hanoi, in the northern part of the country, so I didn’t research anything ahead of time. I essentially threw a dart at the map and booked a flight into one of the three main cities recommended in Vietnam.
It’s been such a treat to have someone figure out everything on my behalf, from having my e-visa sent to me ahead of time, to being whisked through immigration and shuttled away from the airport in less than 20 minutes.
Cee helped host me, but quickly became a good friend. We spent the first two days learning about the history and culture of Vietnam, including seeing the body of their beloved President Ho Chi Minh, who declared independence for Vietnam from France in 1945. He was a Marxist-Leninist, a key figure in the Viet Cong in the north during the Vietnam War (1955-1975). He died in 1969, and when the country was unified after the North was victorious, the former capital city of Saigon was renamed Ho Chi Minh City to honor their leader. With the help of the same Russian scientists that preserved Lenin’s body after his death in 1924, Ho Chi Minh’s body was preserved and can still be found on display in a mausoleum in the now capital of Hanoi.
It was only 10am on Saturday morning and THOUSANDS of people were passing through the memorial to pay their respects to the late president. Even coach busloads of children on a weekend field trip! Allegedly, he deeply cared for the people, especially loved the children of his country. He even opted out of living in the presidential palace, choosing instead the more humble staff quarters as his living space. He never married, devoting his life to the success of his country. I’d never witnessed anything quite like it the mausoleum visit. The whole process took about an hour and a half, with only about 30 seconds of actually seeing…well…”him”.
Later in the day we visited a museum showcasing the 54 different ethnicities that make up the framework for the Vietnamese people. Influence from China, neighboring Laos, Cambodia, and Thailand build a dynamic foundation that makes the Vietnamese culture so rich (and the food so delicious). That evening we saw a traditional water puppet show, which was cute and full of older tourists, then walked around the Old Quarter stopping at one of the street for vendors for one of the best meals of my life—Bún chả. Barbecued pork served in a sweet and savory fish sauce broth, with a side of rice noodles and a heaping plate of herbs. I understand why Anthony Bourdain loved these little street vendors—the food is AMAZING. The place was packed, no frills, the servers ushering people in and out quickly and efficiently, balancing huge platters of the pork and broth, climbing up three flights of stairs to deliver the goods. There was a mix of both tourists and locals, so you knew the spot was legit. If that was day one of my meals in Vietnam, I was in big trouble. We finished off the night with a sugarcane juice. I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced a sugar shock to the system like that. 😂 5 stars.
The following days we visited Ninh Binh to tour Vietnam’s largest temple, Bái Đính Temple. For the first time I learned about Lady Buddha. The only recognized female buddha, she is said to have 1000 eyes to see everyone, and 1000 hands to help everyone. I had never stopped to think about how many of the Buddhist monks I’ve seen have been men. And of the 250 marble statues of the original students of the Buddha that are housed in Bái Đính, none were women. Makes you wonder why the majority of religious figures—in any part of the world—are always depicted as men, doesn’t it? And yet, we refer to our planet as Mother Earth. 🌎
We went on a boat tour of Trang An, seeing the beautiful limestone towering peaks coming directly out of the river. The boat trip lasts anywhere from 1.5-4 hours depending on the route you choose. The people who row the boats for the tourists are typically local farmers, looking to earn some extra cash to supplement their income. The tours are so long the workers only accomplish 1-2 tours a day, a few times a week. The work depends on the weather, the demand of tourists, and the presence of so many locals looking for a side job.
The following day we took an overnight cruise in Hạ Long Bay, now seeing these same iconic limestone peaks in the saltwater for a change. Both Trang An and Hạ Long Bay were beautiful spots—but were overflowing with tourists. I actually felt less like I was in SE Asia and more like I was back in Wisconsin Dells (where my family has been vacationing since I was a kid).
Every moment of every tour was perfectly planned out so the Western tourists wouldn’t get bored. Cee and I both agreed the tours felt too commercial. It was wonderful to be led by a guide that could help answer my ignorant questions—things I didn’t learn in school and hadn’t bothered to research as an adult—but if I wanted to spend my travels around a bunch of Westerners who repeatedly ask if the ice cubes have been purified, I’d book an all-inclusive resort in Playa del Carmen. Which I’ve done more times than I’d like to admit.
But this isn’t vacation for me. On my flight from Hanoi to Ho Chi Minh City I finished reading Mornings in Jenin by Susan Abulhawa. This book left me heartbroken, eyes open wide to the continued displacement of Palestinians from their homeland since the 19th century. A topic that is widely criticized from all sides in the US, but one that hits home for me ever since visiting my family in the Bedouin town of Laqiya back in 2018—and seeing the realities of this displacement in person. I’ve grown closer to my family there ever since.
I am not seeing the world through my US filter right now. I am doing my best to remove it, open to receive new information and draw my own conclusions. But it’s making me very uncomfortable. For many years, as early as age 15, I felt discomfort around what I was meant to believe religiously, and whom to trust politically. And I knew I wanted to take this time—this year of travel—to answer some of these questions for myself. But now what? Now that I’m here, allowing the discomfort of feeling uncertain in a developing country, and the anticipation of heading to Palestine in for the month of May to learn and ask more questions…now what?
I can’t just go back to working a corporate 9 to 5, pressing on to make thousands of dollars to keep buying nice stuff…right? How could I return to my old life and un-know what I now know? And yet this story of developing countries, of refugees, of whatever else I will encounter on the road…is not my story. Cross-generational trauma is not my reality. So even this existential questioning that makes me so emotional leads to feelings of guilt. And yet I don’t want to just ignore it and go on as I was before. I don’t feel called to sacrifice all worldly comforts to lead the life of a volunteer. But I can’t go back to my experience of Capitalism as it was. AND IT’S NOT ABOUT ME! But I’m stuck somewhere in the middle (I’ll share more about this new revelation in a later post).
One settling thought I have is that when I originally set out on this adventure, and if you knew me well, then I had told you that I was seeking something deeper and more meaningful than the life I had known up until now. And by remaining open to receive, I’ve been discovering that deeper meaning very quickly—on a weekly, even a daily basis. The places I have lined up in the future will uncover some of this questioning even further. A silent meditation retreat in Nepal where I won’t be speaking, reading, writing, or exercising for 10 days. How often have you wondered what it would be like to quiet all that mind traffic? To have the power to control your thoughts? To be still enough to find the deepest understanding of yourself? I’m going to learn.
And how does someone support themselves without fully relying on The Man? Providing food, shelter, and clothing for themselves without a steady paycheck from a big corporation? I’m going to find out on self-sustaining, non-commercial farms in Italy.
My hope is that when all the travel is done, and I’m back in my comfortable bedroom at my parents’ house, I can put all the pieces together. Find a life filled with purpose and love. Something simple enough where I have time to rest, but abundant enough where I won’t have to waste emotional energy worrying about money. Who else here is so tired of that life?!
And I hope that, while the cross-generational trauma of others is not my story, that my story of willingly exploring the stories of others will lead me to a lifestyle that actively seeks to understand and help others through their realities. Are you helping, are you hurting?
Shoutout to Cecilé Marion
and I connected before I left for Bali, her kindly sharing the story of her year long sabbatical, 6 months of which she spent in Bali. She’s fielded so many questions from other “sabbatical-curious” individuals, that she will soon be launching a self-paced ‘guided journey’ that covers everything she learned from her own and others’ sabbaticals. You can subscribe to her newsletter to stay up-to-date on its launch—especially if you’re curious about taking a sabbatical!During her time spent in Bali she wanted to work on something creatively, but didn’t know what it was yet. And after spending only 45 minutes with her and several emails back and forth, I can’t think of a more fitting creative project for her. The passion she has for her sabbatical experience and encouraging others to take the leap of faith is so genuine, that I know many individuals will benefit from her further guidance. ❤️
“In this module, you’ll find structure you can lean on when you feel you’re going adrift, pointers towards exciting explorations that have helped fellow sabbatical-takers shape their journeys in a meaningful way, guided exercises to help you reflect at critical moments, and a wealth of resources that are bound to ignite your curiosity. You’ll also find comfort in the fact that the challenges you are facing are challenges that others have faced before and there is a way around them, although usually the only way out is through.”
Hey! Would you like to connect over creativity, self-growth, and problem-solving? Or just to have a virtual glass of wine or mocktail? Please book a time on my Calendly for us to chat! I can’t wait to see you. XOXO.
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Thanks so much for sharing the physical and existential journeys and reflections 💜.
Thank you, again, Heather, for sharing your deeper thoughts and insights while showing us the interesting places you are visiting! So much appreciated.