Negativity and the end of a relationship that hardly had a chance to begin

Letter #61: A quick story about how I gave love a chance but still had to hold my boundaries. And why I have such little patience for angry men.

There is no constructive image for me to use for this post, except that I took an amazing solo trip to Guatemala after that summer. And this was the view out of my cabin window over Lake Atitlán…

9/30/23

Remember how I was telling I knew I wouldn’t be reaching out to Marco again when I was back in Londa, working on another farm? His overall sour demeanor and sustained negativity made me want to run for the hills. Well, here is the parallel story…

Marco's Farm

A few summers ago, I met a guy on Hinge. I was dreading our first date as I was dog-tired from work being stressful that week, and I had had a night out with my friends the day prior. But I kept my commitment to the plans we had made and met him for a picnic in Prospect Park, right across the street from my old apartment.

I was pleasantly surprised by our meeting, and glad I hadn’t postponed. He had been living in Mexico the past 6 months, and was now staying with family in Brooklyn while he renewed his passport. I found him attractive, but a bit turned off that I could tell he was a smoker (he had yet to smoke in front of me, but I have a sixth sense for that kind of thing 😂). We had a lot in common, and there was much about him that interested me. We both wanted to live abroad, had a strong eclectic taste in music, and loved wine. I found him a bit serious at first, but when he walked me back to my apartment and said goodnight, I decided I was open to having a second date. I was enjoying myself.

And so we met up again that weekend. We sat out on the front porch listening to music, having wine, and discussing our individual dreams about the future. It was a picturesque scenario. He had completed a month-long meditation retreat in India. He was the “alternative type”, a designer, a native of California. There were many things that aligned with the list of what I (thought I) was looking for in a partner.

So we began seeing each other more seriously. We laughed a lot in the beginning, as he had lightened up quite a bit and became affectionate towards me. I got my hopes up about having a relationship with this person.

But pretty quickly some red flags began to show. One afternoon, we decided to walk over to Bagel Pub for lunch. It was Saturday, early summer, and I was in a great mood. He was fighting a cold so was a little cranky. We had to wait in a line because this place is always packed on the weekends. After we paid at the cash register, we waited maybe another 10 minutes for our food to be prepared. When he went inside to ask where our food was, he chewed out the cashier for the long wait, causing a scene. Here was a service industry worker, moving as quickly as they could to get everyone’s orders out, likely making minimum wage in one of the more expensive cities in the world…why be a dick to that person? It alarmed me how quickly he could lash out over something so seemingly trivial.

I was turned off by how he’d treated that individual, but I knew he was under the weather so I gave him a silent pass of the benefit of the doubt.

But it didn’t stop there. The road rage was a huge issue—he was constantly berating other drivers whenever we were driving through Brooklyn. One evening we were on our way to dinner with his family after spending a day at the beach together. Things were already tense that day from a culmination of too many strong adult personalities and a feisty toddler to look after in the intense New York City summer heat. AND he was under the weather again. There was a lot of traffic in Brooklyn that day—shocker. He got angry at the driver in the sedan next to us, trying to merge into our lane. He rolled down the window, screaming at the driver “What’s the matter with you, man?! What’s your problem?!” Etc., etc., etc. I WAS PISSED. Not only was I in that car (precious cargo), but so was his family, including his toddler nephew. It was so wildly inappropriate to risk starting a fight with another driver when so many loved ones are in tow…

He lashed out at the puppy. He lashed out at his nephew. I was slowly beginning to put my guard up. If he could become so angry, so intimidating towards these beings that were so much smaller than him, at what point would he turn that anger towards me?

One evening I was making dinner for his family. I had the dishwasher door open as I rinsed and loaded dishes, waiting for my lasagna to bake. He was standing with his back turned to the open dishwasher, cutting veggies on the kitchen island. I reached over to the sink to grab more dishes, and at the same time he backed up and nearly tripped over the open door. I immediately apologized for not warning him, but I could see the rage flash across his face. He raised up his hands in disbelief, telling me how stupid it was to leave the door open and not tell him. I felt like, if a little more alcohol had been involved, maybe his reaction would’ve gotten carried away.

I shrunk, feeling small and embarrassed that I had ALMOST humiliated him into tripping over the dishwasher door. I could feel myself pulling away, my guard going up even higher.

I realized over those few months we ended up dating that he was a deeply insecure person. A man trapped in a scared little boy’s body, saying he was all these things—a transcended yogi, open-minded and affectionate, participating in therapy and deep, inner work—and yet when he began to feel insecure, he went to a very dark place.

Things got weirder, and I began to doubt very much that who he’d sold me on was not at all who he was in actuality. I told him how I was feeling several times, that I found his darkness and anger intimidating, and that I need light and positivity from others in order to feel safe and loved. He chastised me, claiming he’d worked hard to accept ALL aspects of himself, both light and dark, and that his partner should accept him as is. Which, to me, is utter bullshit and an abuse to the claim of inner work. I know many individuals that take this work seriously, embracing their shadow selves, choosing to love themselves wholly, therefore opening themselves up to being more compassionate towards others in exchange. Treating those that are smaller than you with rage is NOT embracing your shadow self. It’s a cheap cop out to being a bully.

He wrote me novels of texts about the missed opportunity of a life we could have had together. I could see right through the flimsy, flowery words, but never once was an apology muttered.

Sometimes I regret that I met and dated him. I felt anger and revulsion when I remember that short summer fling—a reminder of how quickly I lose respect for a man that acts like a dick. But Sasha had a beautiful take on it that is helping me heal my feelings about the experience.

She said it was expanding for her to see me fall for someone again (it’s been about 12 years since my last relationship). Dating gets harder as you get older—I’m 37 now. You find fewer people you can connect with, that you want to be affectionate with, and with whom you could foresee building a life together. But she was proud to watch me take a chance with this person, providing hope that you CAN find and date someone as you reach middle age.

And when things went south for us? She said watched me hold my boundaries and stand up for myself, ultimately walking away when the situation was no longer aligned with my values. Thank you, Sasha, for helping me find the silver lining in this memory. I replay our conversation in my head often.

Anyways, my stay at Marco’s farm reminded me of my incredibly short relationship those few summers ago. And it explains why I couldn’t wait to get out of there and experience, hopefully, something healthier and more supportive in my next WWOOFing experience…

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