The Midwest

Letter #46: A quick highlight of my time back home, and some existential questioning about my career path.

Fam barbecue for Father’s Day ❤️

I settled into my 2.5 hour flight from NYC to Wisconsin where I’d be spending the next month with my parents. I had had several moments over the past few months of really missing being home with them, so, now that I’m not working and my time is mine only, I decided to jump on the opportunity to spend as much time with them as I could before I got antsy to jet off again.

My parents picked me up at the airport around 4pm on June 6th, with their dog Goldi hanging out in the backseat (a ritual they have of her joining them to pick me up). We gave each other big hugs and loaded up my bags—I was so excited to unload some stuff at home and repack my bag for the next 4-5 months.

Of course the very first meal I wanted was Hong Anh Palace, the Chinese restaurant in our town that we’ve been getting take-out from for nearly 25 years. I’d been dreaming about it ever since I was bored beyond comprehension during the 10-day Vipassana meditation course. Sounds silly, but if you’re ever in Mequon, WI, let me know and I’ll tell you what to order from Hong Anh.

My parents and I caught up, chatting at the dinner table over our takeout meal, all of us excited to have an entire month together. Our days were uneventful and relaxing. Goldi would wait to hear me stirring every morning before she’d start whining that she wanted me to take her out for a run, a habit she’s grown accustomed to over the last 6 years or so. She can’t be distracted from it—she follows me around, crying, until I finally lace up my sneakers and we head for the front door. And so most mornings we did go for a run, about 4-5 times a week. We were hitting 4 to 6 miles on the Interurban Trail, a nicely paved path that stretches 29 miles across Ozaukee County and beyond. If there was a day I didn’t plan to run, I’d take her on a 15 minute walk down to the Milwaukee River. She had been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism that winter, and sadly couldn’t run with me while I was home in December—we were all shocked she was slowing down. But since my mom repeatedly took her to the vet for tests and answers, the pup is now medicated, she’s lost some weight, and can go on long runs again—a herding dog that desperately needs a job. My mom had her weighed after I left—Goldi had lost another 7 lbs from our runs. If only I could say the same for myself. 🤣 Being back in Mequon leads to futile attempts to abstain from all the foods I love most, the meals from my childhood. I know some of you reading this know exactly what I mean.

The sign my mom hangs over the mantle, Goldi at the river, spaghetti and meat sauce dinner made with mom

That first weekend we headed up to Minnesota to celebrate my niece, Georgie’s, 5th birthday. It was the first time I was there in person for her birthday. The lack of vacation time at my job made it nearly impossible to be present for every celebration throughout the year AND travel to places I’d never been before—something that is essential to my happiness. So, this year I get to be around for more of these celebrations. I got to know my youngest brother, Cody, and his wife, Grace’s two boys better—we spent a lot of time together. I got to watch Georgie play with her friends at her birthday party. I got to sleepover at Leslie and Drew’s house in St. Paul and meet their sweet new rescue pup, Dennis. I got to be there for Father’s Day. My childhood best friend, Alie, came back to Mequon with her daughter, Rowan, so we could have a weekend of girl time with her mom. I got to be there when we introduced Rowan to Jake and Steph’s daughter, Stella. Alie and I got to meet Joey’s new boy, Sasha, for the first time. I got to meet my mom’s best friends for lunch. My mom and I went grocery shopping more times in a week than I ever have in my life. I went on one on one dates with both my parents, spending several hours with each having deep, meaningful conversations about our lives and our dreams. I was home for both my dad and Grace’s birthdays on the 4th of July. Nothing felt rushed and I was able to say yes to any social invitation. I got to take my time talking with everyone, especially my parents, and somehow I wasn’t at all antsy to leave. I was headed to Italy next, so I was shocked at how happy and comfortable I was sticking around the hometown I grew up in. The good news is I’ll be back there for Thanksgiving and plan to stay through the winter, using it as my home base again while I visit friends around the US.

Georgie's Bday, meeting Dennis & Leslie's art, picking up Ro and Alie at the airport, the kiddos playing together, mom and Goldi

I’ve been having a lot of conversations with friends and family about what I want to do next in life, in work. The most obvious question is whether or not I’ll go back into fashion, and my default answer is no—but of course I can’t be 100% sure. I’ve always loved fashion, always been into sculpting my personal style, and have loved creating product that I have seen actual customers wearing out in the wild. But after working in the industry for 10 years in New York…I’m not sure, something has shifted in me. I used to really care about owning designer clothing. About dressing chic, having fresh styles every season, and creating useful designs for others. But I feel like I saw an uglier side of fashion after having a career in it. We were creating low-cost goods at high volumes that made the company a lot of money. I was paid a good salary that, yes, afforded me a lifestyle in New York, and now the opportunity to quit everything and travel. But I can also see what materialism does to people, what it’s done to me. In a time when we are facing record heat waves and Canadian wildfires, it makes me wonder, why are we encouraged to consume so much when our human behaviors are so heavily impacting our environment? Why are we placing such high value on owning material things that inevitably we must work even harder to own, ultimately leading to misery?

I was watching some of my coworkers being ground down by higher ups. Higher salaries leading to nicer cars, bigger houses, fancier clothes, expensive vacations and dinners. But people felt trapped. And every couple months, in a moment of desperation I’d journal about wanting “freedom” from this kind of work culture.

I visited China several times to tour the factories we worked with. Sure, they passed the rigorous compliance audits held by our brands or retailers, but were the people happy? I asked that once during my first visit. Were the factory workers happy? And the response was “that’s a hard question to answer, this is the lifestyle here, they don’t know any better.” I would send kind but demanding emails about the minor details I wanted fixed on a sports bra that would cost $12.99 in a TJMaxx store…and for what? So those workers had to go back and re-work the product, working 10 hour days, 6 days a week? Living in a village far away from their families? I beat down the price as low as I could get the factory to agree to in order to meet the bottom line dictated by our leaders. I took pride in what I put out into the market, and yet the reality of the other, darker side of fashion ate away at me.

How can we continue to create consumer goods, but sustainably? The reality is, I don’t believe we can. Because even if a brand is focused on creating “sustainable goods” using recycled material and a net zero carbon footprint…aren’t we still just putting more “stuff” out into the world that—let’s be honest—we don’t really need?

In general, I believe we need to focus on de-growth (thank you Erwin and Leslie for these enlightening conversations). Instead of driving more and more volume, people should be encouraged to focus on consuming less. Investing in items that will serve you for years, no matter what the item. Stray from the convenience of single-use items. This de-growth could solve several problems—companies can refocus on their greatest strengths, streamline, and provide better balance for their employees. People may learn to live smaller, within their means, buying less “stuff” so that they may overcome the burn out from working too hard. For me to enter back into fashion even with a “sustainable edge”, would be defying everything I’m learning this year about living life in a freer, more unconventional way.

My entire tune may change when I’m at the point of being out of money and desperate to take whatever I can—and you all can laugh in my face because I’ve put this publicly on the internet. But it troubles me! If I can see the consequences of over-consumerism more clearly now that I am on the outside…what the hell will I do when I have to get back into the workforce? If my entire career was structured around product development, and I believe we need to cut waaaaay back on product, well then what SHOULD I be doing?

Please don’t answer “keep your mouth shut and move along.” 😅

I want to find new purpose in being the solution to the problem, and, for now, I think that means I need to leave the industry. Or at least find myself a bridge to get to the other side. This is something I spend a lot of time mulling on, so I’m open to having further discussions that may help me answer some of my questioning. And I hope not to offend those that are still in the industry, even if you’re working hard to do it in an honorable way. I’m sure these are questions that have popped up in your head as well, and I think it’s something worth speaking more openly about with one another.

P.S.: The other caveat is that I am almost certain I want a fully remote position where I will have the freedom and flexibility to work between two different time zones, thus having the opportunity to live my life in two places. Fashion product development, for the most part, is not as flexible when it comes to remote work. Now that I’m halfway through accomplishing my dream of traveling for a year, I’ve set a new dream where I want to split my time between the US and somewhere abroad…permanently. Will have to figure out the part about having a dog though. It has been too many years that I haven’t had my own pup.😭

Selfies with mom and dad ❤️

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