Why am I So Bad at This?
Letter #25: Admitting what you're not so good at, and the next phase of my journey.
3/21/23
On Tuesday morning I woke up to an email from Katlin. She had organized a list of websites for remote work and thought it would be helpful to share it with me. It ignited something in me, the desire to have a productive day. I was finally motivated enough to hole up in my hotel room and create profiles on a couple freelance websites—I’d need to start working once I left Nepal in the the end of April.
I grabbed a quick breakfast and sat down at my desk to jam out to this driven energy. My desk—AKA the hotel bed with two pillows propped up and my legs still tucked beneath the comforter—is also where I’d be taking my meals that day, and getting my rest later that night.
The words were flowing pretty well in terms of how I wanted to describe myself on each platform. But when it came time to upload files of my past work, it’s like I all of a sudden had these clunky dinosaur hands that couldn’t figure out how to work a laptop. “Image for upload must be in a 4:3 ratio.” I racked my brain for any past info on how to accomplish that. Another error. “Image must be max 4000 X 4000 pixels.” Ummm…what?
WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS?
I’m 37 years old. I grew up with computers. I’ve become a whiz at Adobe Illustrator and can bang out a comprehensive, instructional email to an overseas vendor, no problem. But why does my mind go blank whenever I have to consider anything with pixels and ratios? Why do I have to Google the solution EVERY TIME? There’s nothing like feeling helpless on your computer to give a blow to the ego. “This is never going to work for me, I can’t even resize my files for an upload! And even when I do, they just look sad. Lifeless. Like I’m fresh out of college. The real life product was best-selling. I’ve seen my designs on several people out and about in New York City. But when I try to showcase it online…I’m just BAD at it.”
I have to dig myself out of the negative self-talk by reminding myself that it’s ok not to be good at everything. I am not a jack of all trades, but I am a master of some. This was a tough realization when I started the jewelry brand. I was doing it solo, sure I could learn everything I needed to be a minimally successful business woman. You know what I realized? I can design, source, and execute the heck out of whatever product you put in front of me. But my mind draws a blank if you tell me to go market it. Drive sales. Figure out net profits. Ummm…what?
There’s a Taoist principle I learned about in the Tao of Pooh by Benjamin Hoff called Wu Wei, roughly translated to “without acting” or acting without expending energy or struggle. To acknowledge that you’re good at what you’re good, and not push for anymore. Don’t oversell yourself, don’t try to be something that you’re not. There is freedom and relief in admitting you can’t and won’t do it all. Not only will “doing it all” not serve you, it won’t serve others either.
Leslie is taking these illustration classes where the instructor clearly states that if a project is taking you too long, and you are making too many adjustments, it is out of your wheelhouse. You’re forcing something that isn’t natural, and what you create for others should be effortless.
Sounds so easy, right? But maybe it isn’t as straightforward as that. I do feel relief when I allow myself to acknowledge I’ll never be good at we design, graphic design, or photography—but that’s ok because I’m a boss when it comes to product development and project management. But once I sit down in front of my computer to communicate that to the world in a way that will generate income, I freeze up. Why? Why can’t someone just hand me the perfect little template manual for “this is exactly how Heather King should show up on the internet for maximum gains?
Why am I so bad at this? In my head I’m Michelangelo, but in real life I’m just making little stick drawings shouting “approve of me approve of me!”
I don’t have a grand conclusion for this yet, it is a work in progress. But it is humbling to identify my weaknesses and admit when I need help from others. And remind myself that I don’t even want to be in design anymore, so my past work will have little impact on my future. My present will guide my future self, I just have to promise to stick with what comes effortlessly to me. Keep it simple.
The month of April will be a complete 180 of my life. Something I am in no way accustomed to, lasting an entire month. I’m kind of nervous but mostly just super excited.
I’ll reach Kathmandu on Tuesday, March 28th (By time you read this I will already be well on my way 😄). The following day I embark on a Himalayan trek to the Annapurnas Base Camp. I’ll be led by a guide, and have a porter to help carry my gear. I’m such a novice hiker I’d much rather have someone lead the way. The entire trip will last 15 days, but with only 8 days of actual trekking, the other days used for transportation to reach the town of Pokhara and further villages where the trek will actually begin.
I anticipate it will be challenging, but not difficult. Each day will have 5-7 hours of trekking, with somewhere around 1000 ft of elevation gain per day. We will stop to sleep in guesthouses at night, so I’ll have warm food every day. 🙏🏻 I can’t say a Himalayan trek has ALWAYS been on my bucket list. But Seven Years in Tibet has been one of my favorite films since high school, and I’ve been dreaming about seeing that part of the world for a long time (maybe heavily influenced by Brad Pitt’s charming friendship with the young Dalai Lama, although I’m sure the actual story is much more complicated than that).
I didn’t feel ready to explore Tibet yet. I was still so new to travel in Asia, and I want to have more confidence before I find a way to visit that sacred place, maybe even with someone close to me. But I knew Nepal boasted the same stunning backdrops of the mountains, with it a deep history and rich culture.
I haven’t researched much about this hike other than just relying on friends’ advice on whether to choose the to trek to Annapurnas Base Camp or Everest Base Camp. I’ve barely looked up pictures, allowing myself to be completely surprised by what I experience, I’m sure at times moved to tears. I’m not sure what the Wi-Fi and cell service will be like during the trek, but I imagine I’ll be able to stay in touch with everyone back home just fine.
I’ll get back to Kathmandu on April 11th, with a couple of days to rest and hopefully put out a newsletter. Because on April 14th, the real work begins.
I’ll be attending Dhamma Shringa for a 10 day silent meditation retreat. By now you all know I am heavily influenced by what I see of world exploration in films, and—laugh if you must—but I’ve been intrigued ever since I saw Liz attend a meditation retreat in India during Eat, Pray, Love. I was looking for a budget friendly opportunity, and found Dhamma Shirnga after scouring Google, researching retreats in India, Nepal, and Tibet. The retreat is free for first time students—past students donate so that future students may share in the experience. Donations are only accepted only upon completion of a 10 day course.
When I first submitted my application on January 14th, the minute registration opened up, I finally had the chance to read through the fine print. No speaking, no cell phones. No reading, no writing, no exercise. 10 days of an exclusively vegetarian diet, and I must have abstained from alcohol for at least two weeks leading up to the course.
Bed time is at 9:30pm every night, with a wake up call of 4:30am. No sleeping pills, no additional supplements (that part may be hard for me to give up 🫣). There would be 10 1/2 hours of meditation every day, and you could only speak during office hours with the instructors if you had any questions about the course—or what was coming up for you during that work. I was shocked after reading about all the rules—it sounds almost impossible! But if not now, when? When else would I be open enough to throw up my hands and give in to try something that is the exact opposite of how I spent my free time in New York City? If anything, even if I’m cursing myself two days in and want to leave—won’t I have some good stories to share afterward? And if I make it all 10 days, won’t have I have proven to myself just how strong I can be?
This blog post helped me have a better understanding of what to expect, even though she attended the one in Washington, and I decided to commit. I was accepted into the course after a few emails back and forth, ensuring I could abide by the rules of abstaining from alcohol and putting aside any practices of journaling, hypnosis, and prior mediation techniques. 😳
Vipassana is the practice of observing one’s thoughts without judgement. This year I intend to make some lasting changes for myself, things that I’ve fought off for years. So maybe something as intensive as this course will help me solidify the changes I want to make to strip away the negative complexities of myself, leaving the simplest, most happiest version of myself to thrive. And if I don’t accomplish that over the course? Well at least I’ll be able to recount to all of you what it actually is like to be silent for 10 days.
You won’t hear from me again until after April 11th, but I’m sure I’ll be bursting with images to share from the Annapurnas!
Hey! Would you like to connect over creativity, self-growth, and problem-solving? Or just to have a virtual glass of wine or mocktail? Please book a time on my Calendly for us to chat! I can’t wait to see you. XOXO.
If you’re enjoying On the Road, please share with others who you may think would enjoy as well! As always, I love reading your comments and feedback. If you're not already subscribed, please click the button below so I can continue sending you weekly-ish stories and lessons while I travel. 🚙
I feel you!
After 12 years of getting increasingly good at strategy work I felt really silly trying my hand at something completely new like learning how to write or learning how to do web design. So many times I’ve felt like a dinosaur.. The bad feeling comes from the fact that I hadn’t learned something radically new in way too long. I’d forgotten how hard it is to learn something from scratch..
Hope you enjoy the trek, I’m looking forward to hearing about it in your next letter!
Maybe that’s it...I haven’t learned a new skill in so long that it’s making me feel adolescent. Which I shouldn’t consider a bad thing, I should be embracing it and pushing myself further!